


All The Roads Led To You

by ThatOCLady



Series: Rafael Barba & Annie Dalton [10]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Annie Dalton, F/M, Golden years romance, Grief, Hurt, M/M, Mourning, Old Barba, Older Sonny, Pain, Rafael Barba x Sonny Carisi, Rafael Barba/Annie Dalton, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-02 04:09:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10936701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOCLady/pseuds/ThatOCLady
Summary: After his wife's death, Rafael Barba gives up on life. But Sonny has promises to keep.





	1. All This Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> This is my last installment to the Rafael Barba & Annie Dalton series. It is how I envisioned this to end, Rafael/Sonny. I hope you like reading it, though it's mostly sad.   
> If you're on twitter, follow me @thatoclady. Thanks!

A house is quiet after a funeral. Everyone has spoken so softly, as if the dead they have just buried would rise again. Rafael wished the dead would.  
His dead.

Cece gave his shoulder a slow pat,  
“You need anything? Rafael?”  
He looked around himself, stirred from a daydream. Cece’s hand was on his shoulder still.  
“Rafael?”  
“Yeah”  
“Do you need anything?”  
“No. Thank you”  
She expelled a long sigh, her hand leaving his shoulder,  
“Okay. I will check in with you soon. You take care, all right?”  
“Look after yourself, Rafael”, Cece’s husband, Jack, shook hands with him.  
He rose from the settee and walked them to the door. When he looked over his shoulder, there was no one else left in the house. He had sent Mami to her place with her caregiver, Lula. Kyle was out on the porch though. He blew smoke and held his cigarette away on seeing the three.  
“Leaving, are ye?”, he asked Cece and Jack.  
Rafael noticed how badly the Scotsman’s hand shook. Kyle had always struck him as a jittery bundle of human nerves. More so after Annie’s death.  
“Give me a lift if you don’t mind?”, he licked his lips.  
“Sure”, Jack said.  
Kyle turned to Rafael, waiting for the right words.  
“I...”  
Rafael nodded. He watched the doctor scratch his bald pate,  
“God, I don’t know what to do. If that’s me, this is got to be twice as shitty for you”  
Rafael didn’t make any reply. Kyle went on,  
“It seems weird without her. Living, I mean. Once you got to know her, she sort of became a massive part of your life, di’n she?”  
“Kyle” – Cece seemed to warn him.  
“Yes, yes. All right, all right”, he gave the widower a brief hug, “You be good, mate. Look after yourself”  
“You too”  
Rafael did not wait for the figures dressed in black to drive away. He went in and closed the door from within.  
_‘No more visitors’_  
He was relieved. Then he heard a bustle in the kitchen and sighed.

When he stepped into that kitchen, Rafael saw a tall man bending towards the cabinets. If that butt wasn’t a giveaway, the slicked-back mop of hair was.  
“Carisi?”  
Sonny turned about. He was chewing something. He explained, waving the plate in his hand,  
“Just finishing some leftovers. I hope you don’t mind”  
“You can take them to go. The containers are up there”  
Sonny turned and leaned against the kitchen counter. He put the plate down and lifted the bottle of beer to his mouth. The two men stood across each other, ages apart.  
Rafael didn't fail to notice that Carisi had not given in to the dreaded fifties yet. There were some grey roots, but he still colored his hair blonde. The fresh face he had seen first in the Manhattan SVU was now thick and weary. If only Annie were here, she would have put a smile on all their faces.  
“Tell you the truth, I don’t want to be alone right now”  
Rafael said, visibly annoyed,  
“Then go be with someone else”  
“I’m sorry but being here, where she made the home she had always wanted”, Sonny looked around, “It makes me feel like she isn’t really gone”  
Rafael was jealous. He wanted her all to himself, even in her death.  
“As great as _your_ loss is...”  
Sonny cut him off,  
“You weren’t the only one who lost her”  
With a bitter curse, Rafael had to admit to himself how true it was.  
Annie had touched so many lives, made so many friends – her death was a loss to all of them. But he had no desire to mourn her collectively. However, he couldn’t just turn Carisi out. They weren’t young anymore. Honestly, he didn’t know if he had enough upper body strength left to push the big guy out and away.  
“Close the door on your way out”  
Rafael loosened his tie and walked upstairs.

With every step, he passed their photo frames hanging on the wall. He passed the hallway mirror she used to look into. As he opened the door, the smell of potpourri greeted him.  
_‘Cece’_  
He made a mental note to throw it out later. There was nothing he wanted to take over the usual odour of their bedroom. It was a combination the room had achieved over years – his cologne, fresh sheets, lemon, Annie’s deodorant, Annie’s lotion. Annie everywhere.  
_‘Thank God’_  
Rafael was grateful to lie down on their bed. He turned his neck to the right. Annie’s pillow looked sad. He looked up at the ceiling again and kicked off his shoes. The coat and tie were thrown across the bed. His chest rose and fell with the little exertion. He closed his eyes and whispered her name.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael tries to cope with his loss.

Sitting among all the crying people, it was the worst.   
The worst? No.   
The worst was when he woke up, not remembering she was gone. Then he had to go through the excruciating memories again - of getting the call that told him Annie had been shot, of seeing Annie in the ICU, of hearing Annie tell him she loved him, of burying Annie. It hurt like hell every fucking time he realized it.   
_What cruelty_ , Rafael thought, that he had to hold on to the pain of having lost his wife, only to spare himself the misery of recalling it again.   
"Annie...", Julia whimpered into the microphone, "Annie was so full of life. Her heart was..."   
He shrunk into himself. He didn't want to be there. Not among all these people. As if Annie's death wasn't enough, he had to sit there and hear the kids crying. They had loved her, of course. She had loved them too. So much.   
"Annie, if you are looking down at us..."   
That was it. Rafael faked a phone call and left the service. He walked out of the community centre, slipping the phone back into his pocket. 

 

* * *

  
3:00 pm - he opened a bottle of Scotch.   
4:00 pm - he opened another bottle.   
6:00 pm - he was so drunk he could barely see the third bottle.   
What he could see, vaguely, in the back of his mind, beyond the curtain of his eyes - was a face. He could see it crystal clear. A face that was made for smiling, for being kissed.   
_"Well", Annie stood over the dead mouse, "Jerry's gone"_   
Rafael laughed on remembering what he had said to her,   
_"You have been harboring a pest?!"_   
_"He's not even cold yet, Raf. Jeez"_   
He didn't find it as funny then as he did now.   
_Why not_ , he thought. _Why not, goddammit?_   
It could have been one of their many happy moments together. God, he would give anything to have another moment with her. Even if it didn't last very long.   
"Rafael? Come on!"   
He grunted on hearing the knock on the door. Couldn't Cece take a hint? If he hadn't opened the door after ten minutes of her ringing the doorbell, he wasn't going to do it now.   
_5 missed calls?_ What was she? Crazy?   
Oh great. A text.   
**'Please don't be like this. I'm coming back tomorrow to check on you'**   
_Good luck getting in, Cece._   
Rafael snorted. And helped himself to another glass. 

 

* * *

  
His nap was interrupted by the sound of the door opening. Dazed, Rafael looked around the room. He had drunk himself to sleep. And who the hell had opened the door to his house?   
"Hey", Carisi entered.   
"How...", Rafael cleared his throat, "How did you get in?"   
"Annie had given me a key when you guys changed the locks"   
The ADA hung his coat on the rack and said,   
"I am just going to put this in the kitchen"   
Rafael didn't look up. Maybe Carisi was carrying a grocery bag, a turkey, whatever. He had no business being there. All Rafael wanted from the world now was to leave him alone. Forever. Like Annie had.   
  
Soon, Carisi dropped on the couch with a loud sigh. He spread his arms on the back of it, observing the man before him.   
"What do you want?", Rafael asked, rubbing one of his still-sleepy eyes.   
"How many fingers am I holding up?", Carisi asked him in return.   
Rafael groaned, tilting his head back. A pain had begun to form at his temples. He heard the empty bottles clink before the man said,   
"Why am I not surprised?"   
"How would I know?"   
"If you're trying to kill yourself, there are faster ways"   
"I know what everyone's thinking", Rafael smiled, looking upwards, "I am not going to commit suicide"   
"Yeah? Why is that?"   
"I don't know what's beyond there. I don't know for sure if I'll see her again. But here, alive, I can see everything she left behind", he explained, "It's not an empty void. This... living without her, is painful - _god, you have no idea._ But it shows that she exists. Or did. Who's to say I'll have her memories after I die? It's better I live with them for as long as I can"   
Carisi said after a pause,   
"As poignant as that is, I don't think drinking three bottles of Scotch before lunchtime can be called living"   
"Leave me alone"   
Carisi seemed to realize he wasn't needed.   
_Thank goodness._   
He rose and picked up the empty bottles from the table.   
"Where's your housemaid?", he asked.   
"I fired her yesterday"   
"What for?", the ADA headed out of the room with the bottles.   
"I don't need her. I can take care of my house"   
When after a minute he reoccupied his seat, he asked Rafael,   
"What about when you have to go back to work?"   
"I can handle it"   
"Doesn't seem like that to me"   
Rafael turned his eyes towards the man. He was too smashed to properly glare at him. Carisi said,   
"I had come to talk to you about something important. It's about Annie's death. But looks to me like you'd rather drown in booze than talk"   
"Murder", Rafael corrected him, "Annie's _murder_ "   
"Yeah. The kid who shot her... I have to prosecute him"   
"Do you need me to tell you how to do your job?"   
"I was saying", Carisi paused, "I am considering getting him a lighter sentence"   
That's when Rafael snapped and sat upright, hurting his neck by doing so. He scowled,   
"He shot Annie because she asked him to stop dealing LSDs. That..."   
"Yes. And there are other elements. Kid needs a psychiatrist, not a juvi cell"   
"He needs the death sentence. His life for the one he robbed me of"   
"Annie would want him to get help. She..."   
"Well, it doesn't matter now what Annie would want, does it?"   
Carisi sighed,   
"I just want to do what she would want me to. Honor her legacy, everything she stood for"   
"You want to honor her?"   
Rafael's knees almost gave in when he stood up. He supported himself by holding on to the back of the chair.   
"You want to honor her memory? Then make sure that little bastard fries"   
His stomach lurched. He knew what was about to happen.   
"This isn't you", Carisi said from behind him.   
Rafael stopped, but then walked out of the room.   
  
He made it in time. Hanging his head over the toilet bowl, Rafael seemed to empty his guts. Every jolt of vomit almost knocked the breath out of him. He turned and leaned his back against the toilet seat, heaving, feeling he would die.   
He hadn't drunk so much in a while. Not since he had met Annie. He did start drinking excessively when Annie had had her miscarriage, but there was some restraint there. He had known he needed to be there for her.   
When had that been?   
Ages ago.   
What he remembered recently was the day they had installed the swing. Annie had been so happy. She had laid her head on his shoulder and said,   
_"This is so different than a sex swing"_   
He had chuckled and kissed her head. They sat on that swing all through the evening. Arms around each other, an old married couple still in love.   
"You okay in there, Judge?"   
Carisi's voice disrupted Rafael's recollection. It made him mumble a few curses before he could get up on his feet again.   
  
"Your lunch is on the table"   
Rafael found his unwanted guest putting on a coat in the living room. The table was empty.   
"I meant the dining table", Carisi noticed his gaze, "It's chilli from DeCristo's"   
Rafael steadied himself against the wall, the beginning of a headache threatening him.   
"I don't need your help or your pity. This", he said, "Whatever this is that you're trying to do - stop it"   
"Can't", Carisi gave him a sad smile, "Annie's orders"   
The door closed after him. Rafael was alone once again.

 


	3. Starting to Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As all his efforts at overcoming his wife's death fail, Barba struggles with letting her go. Sonny is willing to help.

_'Never again'_ , Rafael promised himself, as he nursed a massive hangover.  
He had realized that morning that he was - _sadly_ \- too old for binge drinking. There were other ways he could try to stop thinking of Annie. His work, his house. The sorry state of his house. Their lovely little home wouldn't look so trashed if she was ali...  
Hey, didn't he have that Powell trial coming up?  
That is going to be a sensitive one, Rafael thought.  
The media had been all over it since the very start. It was a good thing then that the defendant was a sensible woman. She reminded him a little of _somebody_. Maybe it was just the hair. Annie had taken to keeping her hair short these last few years. He loved the feel of it, the scent of it when she...  
...  
...  
There was no escaping her, was there?  
How do you stop thinking of the person with whom you have built the very life you're living?  
_'I will clean this mess up'_ , he resolved.  
Putting away the egg yolk mixture - Annie's special hangover cure from their drinking days - Rafael rolled up his sleeves and set to work. 

At first, he didn't know where to start. The kitchen was way too messy, and he dreaded going into the bedroom. The drawing room would have to do.  
Rafael picked up everything that didn't belong there and threw it in the bin without a second glance. He had some trouble operating the vacuum cleaner but that problem sorted itself out. Once the living room looked habitable, he marched on the kitchen. 

"Yuck, yuck, yuck", he grimaced, and cleaned the sink.  
He had a newfound respect for his housekeeper. Maybe he shouldn't have fired her. But she kept crying so, saying she missed Mrs. Annie. He couldn't take another day of it. Perhaps, if Darla promised to compose herself better, he could take her back on. 'Cause there was no way in hell he was cleaning a neglected kitchen again. 

The bedroom - that was the hard part. He tried to keep his head down and just get on with it... until something blinked at him from the nightstand. Rafael turned to it, while the vacuum roared on. It was her wristwatch - chrome, with a delicate vine detailing on the band, the watch he had slipped on her wrist on their wedding anniversary last month. Sure, when they lifted her semi-conscious body on a stretcher, she was wearing the stupid charm bracelet one of the kids had made her, but this she forgot at home. Typical Annie.  
_'You never cared much for time, did you?'_  
He remembered her laughing at him once -  
_"The only time, Rafaelino, is now"_  
Rafaelino - that was her nickname for when she wanted to annoy him. And as much as he had always been peeved by her mocking pronunciation of the word, he despaired, knowing he would never hear it again.  
Rafael put the wristwatch where it had been and looked away. 

***

It was evening when he woke up laughing. He had been laughing at some wise crack Annie made. It was all right now. She had just told him that there was a mistake at the hospital and that she was actually alive and well. He looked around for her. Where'd she go? She was just there on the sofa chair, admiring his cleaning job. Rafael rose a little and called,  
"Annie?"  
Then he wished he never had. There was no answer. Wind whooshed in gusts through the back door he had left open. He saw through the flapping screen door their lonely swing.  
No Annie. Nowhere.  
And he felt so stupid, he cried for believing for just one second that she was back. But mostly he cried because he loved his wife, and she was no more. 

****

"I really appreciate you doing this, Dominic..."  
It had been a while since he had stopped asking people to call him Sonny. Growing old made you boring.  
Cece went on,  
"...not about her things, of course, but I think she made the right decision. It hasn't been easy at all on Rafael and I do think this will help. Sometimes, letting go is all you need"  
She spoke for a minute more before hanging up. Sonny locked his apartment and walked downstairs. He had quite the ordeal before him. But he was willing to endure it. It gave him the excuse to see Barba again. 

After ringing the doorbell a second time, he reached into his pocket for the key. He was hoping Barba was not as bad as he had left him the last time. But if he was still pretending not to be home, then...  
"What are you doing here?"  
Exposed suddenly to the ever-sharp green eyes, Sonny needed a moment to make a reply. The bags under those eyes didn't escape his scrutiny.  
Sonny said,  
"Hello to you too"  
Barba gave him a look before turning and walking back inside.  
_Huh._ Progress.  
Sonny stepped in, closed the door behind him, and hung his coat on the rack. He walked into the living room and found it devoid of crumpled dead flowers and similar waste.  
"Have you been cleaning lately?", he asked the man of the house, following him to the kitchen.  
Rafael opened the fridge and asked him,  
"Beer?"  
"Uh, yeah. Sure"  
It would have been wry to comment on the sudden hospitality, so he didn't. They took to the living room again and sat in an awkward silence. Sonny was itching to hear Barba say something.  
"What brings you here?", Barba finally asked.  
"What, I can't check in on my best friend's husband every now and then?"  
Barba gave a curt nod, still not looking him in the eye. That's when Sonny got uncomfortable. Usually, a quip like that would have led to some witty banter. But Barba was full of surprises that night.  
"How's your son?"  
Never - _never_ in the thirteen years of his son's existence - had Barba asked him about it. Sonny concealed his amusement and said,  
"He's good"  
Again with that nod. Barba explained,  
"I was cleaning Annie's study last week and I found some pictures on her computer. It's you, her and..."  
Sonny supplied his son's name,  
"Christopher"  
"...Christopher at a basketball game. I think it was two? Two years ago"  
"Oh yeah", Sonny recalled, "I took him to a Knicks game and his mother bailed on us. He was pretty upset about it. So I called Annie and she showed up. Then it was like he wouldn't have minded me not being there either"  
A corner of Barba's mouth lifted in a small smile,  
"She loved him"  
"I know", he said, "I wanted him to attend the funeral but... he wouldn't. Kid has his own way of dealing with stuff"  
"Probably for the best"  
It was Sonny's turn to nod. He watched Barba study the patterns on the carpet for a while more.  
"I...", the widower began, "About my behavior since Annie's... passing... it wasn't... I am sorry I took it out on you and her friends. I shouldn't have"  
Sonny struggled to stop from smiling at that mess of an apology. Barba looked up,  
"I forgot that her going affected you all too. I mean I remembered, but I didn't care"  
"Is that why you won't let Cece carry out her last wishes?"  
Barba leaned back in the sofa chair, his eyes gleaming,  
"I knew that was what you were here for"  
Sonny tried to reason with him,  
"It's what Annie wanted. You don't have to lift a finger. Cece will take care of everything. It's just her..."  
"I told her and I am telling you - my wife's possessions will be staying here. In her house"  
Sonny frowned,  
"You let them take her vital organs but you won't let them take her clothes?"  
"This is different. I don't expect you to understand"  
"Let me make the effort at least. Is this another of your theories? That as long as you have her stuff lying around, you won't realize she's gone?"  
"You really think I don't realize she is gone?"  
The bitterness in his tone made Sonny reconsider his approach to the whole thing. Barba said, out of nowhere,  
"Do you ever dream of her?"  
Sonny admitted, not without regret,  
"No"  
"How good for you"  
"Do you... dream about her?"  
"Everyday"  
It didn't take much to understand how painful that could be. Losing someone was already tough enough without getting reminded of it even in your sleep.  
"At first", Barba said, "I thought - this is good. This way, I get to be with her again. But I... I can't take it anymore. She is gone and I have accepted that. I just hate having it thrown in my face"  
"I understand"  
Their eyes met. Sonny realized that he did understand. Annie's desire to help her husband with letting go wasn't as important as the efforts the poor man was making to do it on his own. It might probably not be a bad idea to let Rafael overcome this by himself, without forcing him into it. Sonny was sure of it more than ever when he heard that feeble "Thank you".  
They stayed quiet for some time until Barba asked,  
"Dinner?"  
Sonny knew he shouldn't. He knew that he should politely decline and leave. But how could he?  
"Sure"  
The man he had loved for years was finally letting him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had dreams about loved ones who have passed in which they told me they were alive afterall and back for good. Waking up to reality after those kinda dreams is just the worst. I wanted to insert that into the story.   
> Also, Annie posthumously donated her organs and wanted to make sure her clothes and stuff were donated too. That mostly out of the need to speed up Rafael's grieving process. I hope that part was not confusing. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. Thank you for reading!


End file.
